Rebecca Hilliard
Guest Blogger
I've spent most of my life trying to avoid grief. It’s always seemed so overwhelming, and I wouldn't be able to handle it. Even hearing the word ‘grief’ would fill me with anxiety because it reminded me that there was a lot to grieve. I just didn’t feel ready to face it yet. I've spent so much time in denial of what I’ve been through that I would push away my need to grieve and think it wasn't necessary. Grief was this big thing looming in front of me, but I didn’t think that my experiences were substantial enough for it. I was constantly invalidating myself. Only recently have I started to dip my toe into the pool of my sadness and grief. For a long time, I didn't even know it was there. But I've been going to therapy for a few years now, and I'm acutely aware of the grief inside me. It feels like an ocean—deep to the core of who I am. And it feels like if I let myself go all the way into it, I will drown. So, I've been slowly approaching it and dipping my toe in, showing myself that I can handle it a little at a time. Sometimes even then, it feels overwhelming, and at times when I dip my toe in, it floods over me, taking me deeper than I want to go. However, my therapist has been incredibly helpful, and together, we've come up with a list of things I can do when the grief becomes overwhelming. When I start to get lost in it, I have a list of distractions to help pull me out of it. Reading novels is really helpful because when I start to get sucked into my past and it feels like too much, I can pick up a book and enter that world instead. Going on bike rides or kayaking also helps me because as I pedal or paddle, I can go fast and imagine the grief flowing out of me. I also love doing puzzles because it requires all my concentration and instead of thinking about the grief, I'm problem-solving each piece of the puzzle. I don't do these things to avoid the grief. I do them after I've let myself feel the grief, and when it starts to feel overwhelming, I need to pull myself out of it.
I grew up very dissociated from my experiences, and so my grief is very compartmentalized. I go in and out of feeling it and then being dissociated from it again. But I know some people are flooded by their grief all the time, and I want to take a moment to acknowledge those of you who are going through that right now. Grief like that can make it so hard to continue functioning in daily life. It feels like a heavy blanket has been draped over you, and even the small feat of getting out of bed can feel like too much. It's like you're always fighting against this suffocating blanket, and what's so easy for other people now feels impossible for you. It's crushing and overwhelming, and it can sap the will to live out of you. It can be so deep that it's physically painful. And it can feel like things will never get better—like you'll feel this way for the rest of your life. If you're experiencing this type of grief right now, I wish I could take it away from you or at least lighten your load. Some people say that grief is evidence of the love between you and the person you lost, and while that might be true, it doesn't make it any less painful.
If you're experiencing grief right now, you're not the only person going through this. Many others understand the heaviness of loss and the way you're feeling. Finding a therapist to help you process it can be immensely helpful. Sometimes it's too painful to talk about, and that's okay. But if you're looking for someone to talk to about it, try the WhiteFlag app. It’s completely anonymous and connects you with others who are going through the same thing as you. Sometimes, it feels like too much to talk about out loud to a friend, but typing about it to someone going through the same thing might feel more manageable. You're not alone in this, and even though it might not feel like it right now, one day the grief will lessen. Grief, by its very nature, is healing, and we have to go through it to get to the other side. Life is still worth living even in the midst of grief because grief is not permanent.
One day you will laugh again. One day you will be glad you're alive again. One day all of this will feel more manageable. Keep holding on until then. Grief in its very nature is healing, and we have to go through it to get to the other side. Life is still worth living even in the midst of grief because grief is not permanent. One day you will laugh again. One day you will be glad you're alive again. One day all of this will feel more manageable. Keep holding on until then. Grief in its very nature is healing, and we have to go through it to get to the other side. Life is still worth living even in the midst of grief because grief is not permanent. One day you will laugh again. One day you will be glad you're alive again. One day all of this will feel more manageable. Keep holding on until then.
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