Rebecca Hilliard
Guest Blogger
The holidays are here, and I know for a lot of people that brings excitement and happiness. But for me, it brings anxiety and dread. Dread, because I know it’s going to trigger me and bring up family issues that are painful to face. Anxiety, because I know it’s going to be difficult, and I’m worried about how it’s going to affect my recovery.
My family is broken. It always has been, but a lot of people know my family, and we’ve always had to pretend that everything is fine. The denial that my parents and siblings have about our family issues is so intense. There has been abuse and trauma in my family, but everything is swept under the rug. I’m the only one in my family who goes to therapy, the only one who has tried to get help, the only one who has spoken up about the abuse I experienced. And because of that, I’ve been excluded. I’m the only one trying to get healthy, yet I’m treated as the black sheep—the one with the problems, the one who “isn’t normal.”
It hurts me so deeply because, more than anything, I’ve always wanted to be loved and accepted by my family. I’ve wanted to feel like I belong with them, that I have a place with them. But I don’t. There’s a child part of me who still clings desperately to that desire, but adult me knows it’s time to let go of them. It’s time to move on.
I think it’s a good thing that I feel different from them, that I don’t belong. They are so unhealthy, and it shows that I’m healing, while they aren’t. Feeling rejected by your family can be so intense. We’re meant to be in community with others, and when a family is healthy, it can be that safe place for you. But so many of us come from broken families—families with trauma passed down through generations. So many of us are the only ones in our families doing the work to heal.
For me, when it’s not the holidays, it’s easier to ignore my family’s rejection and just focus on myself and my healing. But during the holidays, it feels like there’s this expectation to be with family and celebrate family. You see friends and other people with their families, and there’s so much pressure to be with yours as well.
People say that you can choose your own family and that your friends can be your family. But some of us don’t have those kinds of friendships or relationships. Some of us are struggling so much with mental illness or trauma symptoms that we don’t have the space or energy to make new friends or find community. The holidays can feel especially lonely because it seems like we don’t have a family we belong to, and we don’t have friends we can turn to.
If this is you, I wish I could come sit with you and be your friend. You may not have anyone in your life who understands what you’re going through, but there are people on the WhiteFlag App who will. It’s such a great place to find support when you’re feeling alone because you can connect with others who feel the same way. You can connect with people who are also struggling with the holidays and feeling alone.
Suicide rates increase during the holidays, and I hope you don’t become one of those numbers. Remember: the holidays will pass. You’ve gotten through all the ones that came before, and you will get through these too.
Some things that might help you this month include:
Spending time with your pet or considering getting one.
Increasing your therapy sessions or starting therapy.
Finding connections through social media or the WhiteFlag App.
Doing things that YOU love.
And if you want to stay off social media for the month, stay inside as much as possible, not decorate anything, and just wait for the holidays to pass—that’s okay too.
Just please, stay alive. Things might be really hard right now, but they can get better. And you will get through this.
I’m sending you love.
_________
Connect with someone who understands on WhiteFlag: a free, anonymous, peer support network. Now!
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